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1994-03-08
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119 lines
Gears '93
THINGS THAT AN AIRLINE PILOT SHOULDN'T SAY
--------------------------------------------
I got the idea to do this article from the Monty Python sketch which
was transcribed in Visual Intensity 1. Basically, this is a list of
stuff that a pilot might say if he left the intercom on. I also got the
idea when I was on a plane and the stewardess accidentally left it on -
all the passengers heard her talking about her boyfriend ! If a pilot
did accidentally say one of these over the intercom, he'd have a lot of
passengers spoiling their underwear !
WHILE FLYING :-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh shit.... I forgot to refuel."
"WHERE'S THE RUNWAY ?!??!!?!"
"What mountain ? I can't see any moun......oh cack."
"I thought you were the pilot ! I'm not the pilot ! Where's the
pilot ?"
"....yeah, don't worry... it always has smoke coming out of it."
"What warning light ?"
"Don't worry, the warning lights don't work."
"Don't touch it.... it's only held down with blu-tack."
"So what ? We've still got one engine that works."
"Where are we going ?"
"DON'T PRESS THAT !"
"The drinks machine is over there. Just press that button, the
big red one. The one that says "FUEL DUMP" on it.... Don't worry,
I had to do a bit of re-wiring."
"Put a bit of sellotape on it.."
"OOoooooohhh...... Aaaahhhhh.... Ooooooo Ahhhhhhhhhh..."
"Just open the window a bit."
"What auto-pilot ?"
"Hey, can you pass the A-Z over here ?"
"Woooooaaah !!! I've got to level 4 !"
"Can you pass me that GameBoy ?"
"Don't worry, it's been doing that for ages."
"I think the repair guys put the wrong wings on..."
"I'm turning off the engines. I can't watch Eldorado with all
that noise."
"LoOk At ThE fLuFfY bUnNy WaBbIt MoMmY ! OoOoOoOo ! It'S lOvElY !"
"I'll have another whiskey and another one of those pink tablets."
"WE'RE GOING TOO FAST !!! STOP !!! STOP !!!! SHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTT !!!"
"It's my wrist again... I'm always getting these violent muscle
spasms !"
"I'm going to stick my finger out of the window.... I just want to see
if there's much wind."
"Damn.. I forgot to change the oil."
"Oh bugger..... The wheels have fell off."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Damn, I dropped a stitch."
"More vodka !"
"2 star petrol ? We're supposed to use aviation fuel you pillock !"
"Put it into fourth and let the clutch out gently."
"More choke !"
"EXTASY !!! COME ON !!! E-ZEERGOODE !!! WOOOOHHH !!!"
"Not so hard !"
"Luggage release ? Oh... yeah, I just pressed that.. Never mind. It's
only a few suitcases."
"WHOOP.... WHOOOP... PULL UP.... WHOOP... WHOOP... PULL UP..."
"There's goes number 1 engine."
"...and number 2..."
"....and number 3...."
"....and.....hang on, we've only got 2 engines !?!?!?!?!"
"THE PEDALS HAVE BROKEN !"
"Not only that, but the frogs have been eating the food."
Well hey ! I'm fresh out of ideas ! All my articles seem to be
lists ! Why? I dunno ! Anyway ! Hope you enjoy these articles and this
mag ! Byesie bye !
`The last one to eat gets the washing up'
If you wanna add some more to this list - hit that REPLY button !